Addicts Do Recover

I’ve been told that I do not have control over my thoughts.  My thoughts are my disease.  I wish I could control them instead of feeling like they control me.  One minute I’m feeling one way and the next something different.  It is important for me to remember not to act on these thoughts.  They will pass. 

Sometime life will throw me a lot of life changing decisions and I feel overwhelmed.  Then I remember that I don’t have to make a decision right away.  There is usually time to wait.  I’ve noticed if I do take that time to wait I end up making the right decision. 

Just for Today: I will pray, wait and then act.

What does it mean to admit that we are powerless?  Some see being powerless as a sign of weakness.  Admitting that you are powerless is the first step to recovery in the 12 step programs.  Once you have admitted your powerless you need to come to believe that a power greater then yourself will restore you to sanity and then make the decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of that Higher Power.

Having faith while walking through the hardest times in your life is easier said then done.  I keep asking myself, “Am I walking in faith?”  I feel like I have reached a point where I have no other choice but to admit I’m powerless and continue to pray for Gods Will for me.  I realize that I have no control over my current situation and that all I can do is continue to put one foot in front of the other.  Being powerless doesn’t mean that I’m give up.  I still have to take positive action and do the next right thing.  It is more of a state of acceptance and relief that I don’t have to worry or stress about what is going to happen.  I can trust that my Higher Power has a plan for me and trust the process.

I still have moments of extreme emotional and mental pain.  It hurts, but I can feel that today clean.  I’ve heard it said, “No matter what I think or feel today I never have to use again.” Some days all I can do is pull the covers over my head and go back to bed but other days are more productive.  Sometimes I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel but experience has shown that all things pass.  Like the saying goes, “This too shall pass.”

I’ve been told that I am not responsible for my addiction but I am responsible for my recovery.  Only I can do the footwork to stay clean.  I’ve been reaching out to others who have been there and understand what I’m going through.  I go to meetings, share what I’m going through and take suggestions.   I find gratitude when I stop and think about where the drugs took me, remember what my bottom felt like and realizing things really could be worse!

Just for Today: I trust in God. 

I find it crazy how my thoughts can spiral out of control and cause me to have an emotional breakdown. Towards the end of the storm while the fog is still clearing I stop to ask myself, “What happened?” The answer is usually nothing really. Of course, I can always come up with a few things like work, bills, and dishes but nothing serious. No drastically changes have occurred. My thoughts were focus on the future. Spinning, worrying and making things bigger than they really are. Some call it making mountains out of mole hills or the snow ball effect. I am told that this is part of the disease for addiction and that I shouldn’t beat myself up for it. Unfortunately, I do still partially blame myself. I continue to pray for self acceptance every night and at this point that is all I can do.

I have NO control the future but I need to continually remind myself of that reality. To the best of my knowledge I’ve never heard of anyone that worried enough about their bills and dishes that they magically got done. To some degree I expect life to be easier. But let’s face it, life is tough. Perhaps that is part of the reason why I turn to outside things to escape. I used drugs to try and escape but eventually they stopped working. I can only run for so long until I reach that point where there is nowhere left to run. I have to pick my ass back up and get down to business.

I think that I handle these emotional breakdowns in a healthier way today. I am by no means “cured.” They only last for a day or so and then I come to my senses and take positive action. Sickly enough, I do find some comfort in sitting on the pity pot. It is easier for me to play the role of the victim then to accept lives responsibilities. I have faith that someday this will not be the case. As I continue to look at myself and into those deep dark areas of by addiction I will grow and recover.

Just for Today I realize I am not and will never be perfect.

In 12 step meetings I hear people say, “My name is ___, I’m a drug addict. For me to say that is denial. There are many definitions of addiction. For me addiction is the psychological, obsessive and compulsive need to occupy myself with or be involved in something. Drugs were only a symptom of my disease.
The disease of addiction affects all areas of my life. Shopping, food, smoking, gambling, sex, work, relationships and the internet are just some of the ways in which the disease of addiction can manifest itself. If I don’t continue to work on my recovery and face myself than these addictions can become obsessive and compulsive.

While using drugs in my active addiction it became blatantly obvious that I had a problem. For me, my drug of choice was “MORE.” It didn’t matter what it was as long as I was under the impression that there was a chance it would make me feel better. Today I don’t notice as quickly when my disease is manifesting itself. I usually isn’t until I reach some point of pain that I ask myself, “why?”

The disease of addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. To anyone who is experiencing difficulties in any area of their life there is help. Only through being honest, open minded and willing are you able to arrest the disease and begin the recovery process.

Just for Today I am grateful for my awareness of the disease of addiction.

I don’t quite understand why my feelings and thoughts don’t always agree with each other. My feelings make me react a certain way while my thoughts know that is not the way I want to react or the way I believe.

I think it is a process to get the two to actually coincide. I believe that my feelings are my initial reaction based on my previous life experiences. My thoughts are what I know to be true from what small experience I’ve had with stopping to take a look at what my values and beliefs are.

I know that I have made many mistakes in my life and my thought process isn’t exactly correct. I know that my higher power can help me in removing these defects of character now that I’m aware of them. This will be a painful process I’m sure. It doesn’t feel good to be aware of and knowing I’m acting out on a character defect.

The best thing I can do for myself is write. I just can’t figure it all out in my head. Too much is going on up there and I jump from one thing to the next. All I’m doing is mind fucking myself because I can’t figure out anything while my thoughts are racing.

Just for Today: I believe that my higher power can and will remove these defects of character.

As a recovering addict I still have a hard time facing my feelings. I usually have I hard time identifying the feelings I am experiencing which at times can be very confusing. This confusion usually leads to fear. Fear tends to make addicts want to run. As addicts we are good at running away from our feelings.

One of the biggest problems I have with my feelings, besides not knowing what I’m feeling, is feeling multiple feelings at one time. Normally when this happens my head is going a hundred miles a minute, my disease kicks into over drive, and I feel like the world is going to end. I usually feel crazy.

Over the years through my recovery I have learned some tools that I can use when I’m feeling crazy. The first thing I need to do is get in the moment. Where am I? I need to look at what is REALLY going on.

I have found that journaling is an amazing way to release these feelings and find out what is really going on up there. If I don’t get the racing thoughts out of my head and onto the paper my head will continue to spin and my shitty committee will take over. I have found for me the best way to journal is to type so that I can get my thoughts out quicker.

By this time, if I haven’t already, I take the time to say the Serenity Prayer. I reaffirm to myself that Gods is in control and His will for me is better then I could ever imagine. I know that I only have the power to change my actions and my actions can change the way I feel.

I usually call someone to verify that I’m not crazy and I’m not alone. They understand these feelings and thoughts and they share their experience with my.

This seems so simple but for an addict this clearly isn’t the case. I do believe that we can’t think ourselves into better living but we can live our way into better thinking. If we continuing to take positive action it will one day become a natural habit.

Just for Today I’m grateful that I have been given these simple tools to use instead of having to pick up.

I pulled myself out of the depression today. I took positive action. I prayed this morning and I didn’t give in to my bed. I remembered all the things I have been through in my life and how they are no longer problems. Everything changes.At the moment the situation seems so terrible. When we are walking through troubling times in our lives it is hard to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I get so caught up in the pain at times that I really don’t feel like it will ever end.

In my right mind I can remember that this to shall pass. Nothing changes if nothing changes….. get your ass in gear and do what you can. Do one little thing to move forward and feel like you have accomplished something. Dishes, call someone, cook, go to a meeting, take a bath, clean.

Another thing I struggle with is depression. Take today, I tried to get up and take care of lives responsibilities but instead I decided to go back to bed. Depression is a lot different then being sad. I would rather be sad. Depression makes me not want to go on. I makes me feel like life isn’t worth living. I want to hide. I want to run. I don’t want to face another day.
More about Depression

I can come up no other explanation other then I have a chemical imbalance. Last night I felt fine. In fact I felt great. I did all the things that make me happy. This morning I was overly loving but over all I felt good. There was beautiful snow falling outside. I had my morning coffee and cigarette. I started to clean the house and then…. crash. I don’t feel like doing anything.

Many recovering addicts believe that all addicts need to be free from all mood and mind altering chemicals. As they say this drinking a cup of Starbucks and smoking their cigarette at 10 pm. Everyone is different. Everyone has and is entitled to their own opinions.

I have decided that the best thing for me is to be on antidepressants. I’ve tried so hard to pull myself out of this depression. I’ve prayed, meditated, read books, thought positive, reached out to others, made myself walk through it anyways, and eventually I got tired of trying. It is not something I talk about in meetings but I did talk to my sponsor and friends before I made the decision.

I know that todays depression won’t last forever. I just have a hard time on the weekends when I’m not busy. I need structure. I need to stay busy with work and meetings.

For any addict that is struggling with depression I hope you know that you have a choice. There are many antidepressants out there that are nonaddictive and do not give you a hush or high. No one should be able to tell you what is right or wrong for you. Look to your higher power and remember, you are not alone.

Us recovering addicts refer to non addicts as Normies. I sit here wondering today how different my life would be if I was a Normie. Do Normies have the same thought processes as me? I’m sure they don’t but to what extent do we differ?

I have the hardest time keeping balance in my life. Once I find something that I like I just can’t get enough. I’m hooked. It is usually something that allows me to not face reality. Just like the drugs did. Whether it be TV, shopping, sex, food, the internet, you name it. I guess that is why there are some many 12 step programs. So perhaps more people are like me than I think.
What I have found to be true is that if I don’t keep recovery in the forefront of my mind I will get really out of balance. I need to keep in contact with my higher power, go to meetings, and surround myself with other recovery addicts.
Today I’m grateful that I’m not extremely out of whack!

There are days in which, one might be surprised, I am truly grateful to be a recovering addict. Then there are days when the shitty committee in my head won’t shut up. Days like this I want to run. Where? That is the problem. When all logic and experience tells me that drugs didn’t work and that they will never fix me but I think…just one drink. One drink my addiction tells me wouldn’t hurt. It would help ease these feelings.

Just for today I’m grateful to be a recovering addict.