Emotional Breakdown
I find it crazy how my thoughts can spiral out of control and cause me to have an emotional breakdown. Towards the end of the storm while the fog is still clearing I stop to ask myself, “What happened?” The answer is usually nothing really. Of course, I can always come up with a few things like work, bills, and dishes but nothing serious. No drastically changes have occurred. My thoughts were focus on the future. Spinning, worrying and making things bigger than they really are. Some call it making mountains out of mole hills or the snow ball effect. I am told that this is part of the disease for addiction and that I shouldn’t beat myself up for it. Unfortunately, I do still partially blame myself. I continue to pray for self acceptance every night and at this point that is all I can do.
I have NO control the future but I need to continually remind myself of that reality. To the best of my knowledge I’ve never heard of anyone that worried enough about their bills and dishes that they magically got done. To some degree I expect life to be easier. But let’s face it, life is tough. Perhaps that is part of the reason why I turn to outside things to escape. I used drugs to try and escape but eventually they stopped working. I can only run for so long until I reach that point where there is nowhere left to run. I have to pick my ass back up and get down to business.
I think that I handle these emotional breakdowns in a healthier way today. I am by no means “cured.” They only last for a day or so and then I come to my senses and take positive action. Sickly enough, I do find some comfort in sitting on the pity pot. It is easier for me to play the role of the victim then to accept lives responsibilities. I have faith that someday this will not be the case. As I continue to look at myself and into those deep dark areas of by addiction I will grow and recover.
Just for Today I realize I am not and will never be perfect.
